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The Wounds From Bullying do not Heal Themselves

Lotte Vesterli on September 7, 2023

One participant shared a thought-provoking story at the Langelinie Rotary Club, where I gave a presentation yesterday. He had been bullied in school, and many years later, at a reunion, the bully approached him and offered an apology.

I’ve heard similar stories before. We know that bullying victims suffer for a long time afterward, but the bullies themselves often bear the burden of guilt for years as well. Fortunately, there is a lot we can do to prevent bullying and mitigate its effects. I was also a victim of bullying, but I’ve moved forward in life. Today, I help individuals and organizations prevent bullying and overcome its effects.

Don’t hesitate to contact me if you are a bullying victim or need help to get rid of bullying in your organization.

What RIM can do, and How You Can Learn It

Lotte Vesterli on August 8, 2023

My client started to cough heavily, gasping for air. He felt an intense lump in his throat blocking the energy flow in his body. I invited him to close his eyes, and we ensured he felt safe. Then I gently led him to move into the blockage. An image appeared of the very first time he experienced not being able to express his feelings. I guided him to speak to his dad, whom he was seeing in front of him. As he voiced all the things he had never said before, the tension in his throat lessened. When he was done, he felt a surge of energy moving through his airway, and he was ready to take the next step forward in his life.

The RIM method leverages body awareness and imagination to detect and dissolve the root cause of an issue. It was developed experimentally, but modern neuroscience has subsequently explained how it works. By directly accessing the feelings stored in the body, RIM can bypass many of the barriers our mind puts up and uncover hidden blockages. Once you have found the blockage, you can begin to heal by generating new images that drain the event of negative emotions. With this new image, you can release the past to be more present and live the rich and fulfilling life you deserve.

I discovered the power of RIM myself for the first time in 2011. I had been severely bullied throughout my childhood and consequently suffered from low self-esteem and had accumulated a heavy load of self-limiting beliefs. The RIM method helped me overcome the effects of the bullying and let me start a new life. Driven by the urge to help others move through their past traumatic experiences, I started training as a RIM practitioner in 2012. I have worked personally with RIM founder Dr. Deborah Sandella, and have since qualified as a RIM Master Facilitator and RIM trainer.

Over the years, I have witnessed many amazing results as my clients work through events from their life and remove the emotional charge. Some of these events might seem to be small, but childhood experiences can settle in the body as a persistent “I’m not good enough” feeling. Others have worked through highly traumatic events like rape and incest. Big or small, all these events have an impact on our emotional operating system. We cannot change the past, and trying to suppress past trauma doesn’t work. But with RIM, we can change the memory of the event so it no longer carries an emotional charge that keeps us down. One of my clients, a rape victim, said, “Now the thought of him no longer makes me cringe. It’s like a picture on the wall. It happened, but I have moved on.”

Your journey learning RIM can start already next month. The last RIM Essentials training course in Europe this year is coming up September 20-24th. I’ll be your trainer and will be happy to share my experience and teach you this powerful tool. You can learn more here: https://www.lottevesterli.com/rim-essential-training/

You are also very welcome to reach out to me to hear more. I’d be happy to jump on a call with you so we can find out if learning RIM is right for you.

When You Need Help the Most, You are Least Able to Ask for it

Lotte Vesterli on May 30, 2023

When you need support the most, you are least able to ask for it. One of the common responses to psychological trauma is social isolation. The victim might blame herself or himself, fear others won’t understand, or not want to burden others.

In my practice, I often see family and friends of the victim reach out to me first. They can see that the victim is suffering and not seeking help. If you know anyone suffering the after-effects of trauma, even from long ago, you are welcome to contact me. I can help you help your loved one reach out and seek help – from me or from someone else.

The Bar for Bullying has Been Lowered

Lotte Vesterli on May 2, 2023

The bar for bullying has been lowered, complained the deputy prime minister of the UK. Yes, and that’s long overdue.

Dominic Raab was allowed to resign as justice secretary last month. Otherwise, he would have been fired for bullying. Like most bullies, when their behavior eventually catches up with them, he feels unfairly treated. He feels he was just a demanding boss who got things done. But an investigation showed a pattern of bullying behavior. Each incident might be relatively minor, but they add up to a traumatic experience for the people under him. When enough people think you are a terrible boss, you run out of talent, as people avoid your department.

If your boss is a bully, use the reporting methods available in your organization. As complaints add up, HR and your boss’ boss will notice and take action. Bullying is no longer tolerated, even in a country’s or a large organization’s top leadership.

You Can Get Traumatized Just by Being Near

Lotte Vesterli on April 4, 2023

Just being close is bad enough. Even if you do not experience traumatic events yourself, simply being in the vicinity of one can have an impact. For example, you might recognize the scary feeling of “I was in that place recently” when you hear about an attack.

American psychologists, unfortunately, have an extensive data set of school shootings to analyze. They found that just being close to a school shooting caused 25% more stress-related visits to the Emergency department in the following years. The increase covered many types of impact, from PTSD and anxiety to depression and self-harm.

Get in touch if you want to learn how to help others avoid the worst effects of traumatic events. In addition to my work with individuals, I work as a trauma first responder and co-authored an article in the Danish Educational Psychological Journal about what teachers can do. My dream is that every teacher and childcare professional knows how to prevent permanent harm when traumatic events do occur.

Overcoming Bullying – in Life and in the Movies

Lotte Vesterli on March 30, 2023

Who would dare bully Sylvester Stallone? When he was just a kid with a speech impediment due to a partially paralyzed face, everybody did. He managed to pick himself up, first by building his impressive physique in response to additional bullying from his father. But he also wanted to prove that he could think and started writing screenplays. Eventually, he watched a boxing match and was inspired to write the script for “Rocky” in three intense days.

The studio wanted a good-looking actor to play the part of Rocky Balboa, but Stallone insisted he would play it himself. The studio almost gave up on the movie, cut the budget to next to nothing, and expected a flop. But “Rocky” became a sensation and won three Oscars.

I picked myself up after bullying, and I know how hard it is. Though I have not won any Oscars, I have a wonderful life helping other people overcome the effects of bullying. You might still suffer the long-term consequences if you have been bullied, even many years ago. I hope you will schedule a free call on my website to discuss how I can help you.

Sleep is one of the Foundations

Lotte Vesterli on March 14, 2023

Your body affects your mind. It is tough to change your emotions if you lack sleep, exercise, or proper nutrition. Sometimes, when one of my clients is not progressing at the rapid pace I usually see, I ask about these factors.

Sleep Awareness Week in the USA is this week, and the National Sleep Association has many events and good information. That reminded me to get around to reading Matthew Walker’s influential book “Why We Sleep.” Please check it out from your local library and at least page through it. He explains how sleep is critical for mental health and is vital to fight anxiety and depression, how common sleep disorders are, and how to fight them.

If you don’t want to invest in a sleep-tracking gadget, you can write down when you go to bed, when you wake up, and how rested you feel each morning. Then, when you have at least two weeks of data, make one change to your lifestyle. Keep it up for two weeks, and compare your notes with how you slept before you made the change.

Your sleep is one of the foundations for your health and happiness.

Computers Can’t Stop Bullying

Lotte Vesterli on December 6, 2022

Humans understand bullying, but computers don’t. The bullying in online games takes place in real time, so it’s impossible to have human moderators stop it in time. As a second-best thing, gaming companies have maintained lists of banned words. As dictators around the world have found, humans quickly find creative ways around censorship. Unfortunately, that creativity also means that bullies can find ways to hurt others without using any of the words on the banned list.

I can see that advances are being made in Artificial Intelligence so that the computer begins to understand the context of words. That might make them better at detecting bullying. But technology will never save us from bullying.

What does protect against bullying is building up everyone’s self-worth. People who believe they are valuable and important humans don’t bully and are much less affected if they are subjected to bullying behavior.

Bullies are incompetent

Lotte Vesterli on November 17, 2022

Last week, a UK government minister was fired for bullying. Mysteriously, the new Prime Minister brought Mr. Williamson back into government after he had already been fired as a minister twice before over other scandals.

Bullies are often trying to cover their own lack of competence by putting others down. In a cut-throat environment where everybody is fighting everybody else, there will be much more bullying. When looking for a job, ask about their bonus system. A company with large individual bonuses will have more bullying, no matter how many anti-bullying policies they have.

Why do Anti-Bullying Campaigns Still Look the Same?

Lotte Vesterli on November 15, 2022

A campaign is good, but action is better. This week is Anti-Bullying Week in the UK, and I support everything that fights bullying. However, it seems to me that most campaigns are still doing the same thing we did 20 years ago. Since we’re still running these campaigns, maybe our way of fighting bullying hasn’t been terribly effective?

The best way to fight bullying is by helping everyone build up their self-esteem. A person with healthy self-esteem is not a bully, and is able to shrug it off if someone tries to bully them. We’re not seeing many “Self-esteem weeks,” but I am hopeful they are coming.